lemony snicket

hostility derived from a series of unfortunate events ..
hate coming from a place I can't bring myself to regret
memories so real, emotions i can still feel..
feel..
I don't even know if I can use that word with meaning
my heart beats but internally I'm bleeding
trying to rid myself of the poison that is you.. crying myself to sleep because thats all I know how to do
while you..
you live your life.. refusing to acknowledge my strife .. or the damage you've caused .. reducing the pain to something so small ..
yet I look at you and feel so tall
your smile breaks down every wall
you ask and I deliver at every call
and thats unfortunate .
all that tells me is that I haven't gotten over you yet

dead weight

as im lying here, i find myself paralyzed.. unable to move, totally entranced by this fucked up reality..
i have these feet, searching cold sheets for a pair to intertwine with.
these thighs rubbing together to recreate the warmth they once felt.
an irregular heart searching past tunes for a beat it used to know
and these arms longing to hold one body so close.
my lips have a lingering taste that's slowly beginning to fade
while my eyes silently spout tears in which you could wade. .
and im choking on them. peeking through bluriness trying to see if your eyes are readable, holding answers i need to know.
and then there's my mind..
doing figure eights trying to sort through infinite reasons as to why shit ended up this way..
and i can't move, trapped beneath this weight of wanting, wishing and hoping
not knowing, i've hit a fantasized wall.. and to be honest,

I DON'T EVEN FUCKING LIKE YOU..

at all.

ha. now ain't that a bitch. and this "love" shit can E.A.D

yeaaa, F•Y•B

it's always after the fact. .

that you realize just how much you took for granted. how many things you could have done differently, and just how much you really just want back.


but everyone has to move on at some point. can't live your life on pause.


presses PLAY.

I don't think I was given the right cards to love you. not properly. see, my mind was occupied with the thoughts of what could be. never loving you with my heart completely. you complete me. but now I'm left roamin these lonely streets in my mind. trapped inside. trying to figure out why all I do is turn right. why is so much easier to tell a lie. . instead of telling you how I really feel. why, when you wanted me I couldn't deal and that to be honest even two years later, my heart hasn't fully healed. searching to ease the pain of a void I thought you could fill. knowing that this scar exists and always will. but yet, I want to love you still. with the other pieces that make up my heart. with the matter that directs my soul. with the pulse that regulates my body and this logic that dictates my mind. I want you by my side, when I close my eyes at night and I want your lips to be those that I greet each morning when the sun rises. I want you by my side until my body exhales that last breath. and then I want to do it all over again, meet and fall in love after death. if only, I was capable of loving you today, right now. telling you the why's and showing you the hows. but I can't, like I said. . I was never given the cards to love you properly .

house full of people & yet i feel lonely as fuck.
but i've learned. . .



there's always more to a story than what's been said
& there's always more to a moment than what's been seen



find your truth.

1 0.

heavy heart :/


. . . this shit sucks.

a moment of clarity

there's always a period of recollection. .

a moment of reconciliation within
your mind between you and the one your heart desires.

that ounce of clarity that asks what if . .

like, what if i would have done it right from the start. played hard to get & made sure she truly deserved my heart.

or, what if i would have never crossed that line & gave any sense of hope to a woman who would forever imprint on her mind.

moreso, what if i wouldn't have been so quick to compare her to what i had in the past, knowing that the only reason im here now is because those relationships, they
just didn't last. stop finding any and everything wrong when in reality she was the best I ever had. arguing just for the sake of it with no real reasoning behind it.

even still, with all the could've, would've, should'ves . . the if i had another chance i would do this, that, & of course those things differently. . life tells us that we only get so many re-do's

re-do. new me, new you.. the right way this time. . wishful thinking :| ��