what about me?

i never had a childhood, see..
my days were spent taking care of a brother four years younger than me
but i never faulted her for doing what she had to making sure we,
were taken care of.
working two jobs eating only when we didnt finish our food
and i never found it strange that we'd eat breakfast at the church each morning before school
or that filling our backpacks with the free goods laid out was considered uncool.
that was normal to me.
and mommy was who i was deemed to be..
mother to a brother i did not birth, mommy to an unborn child at fourteen.
only because i did not have one of my own.
adolescence with a bestfriend instead of a parent.
her new boyfriend was more important than apparent needs of a teenage girl.
isolation. seperation.
raped and i called out to my mother in desperation
but she turned deaf ears..
but still i didnt blame her.. i blamed it on the alcohol.. and the drugs i decided to intake
and the child that i lost because i began the nurturing too late
never was it her fault.
living life in the fast lane, headed down a path of destruction
only to stop myself..
placing my feet on the ground firmly taking strides in a direction of self righteousness and happiness..
but i havent obtained it yet..
and just when i thought that i could focus on me, my history repeats itself
and at twenty-one im having the same cards re-dealt.
playing mother to a mother and the children she didnt seem to think of
being the foudation of a family held only together by love.
and still, i cant fault her.
at a time when i should be living and enjoying life selfishly.. im devoting time and energy to a mess i didnt create selflessly
selfless.
more focused on her fuck-ups than my aspirations. these classifications of wrongs and rights deterring me from the goals i had in sight.
fast forward.
living life ten years older than the government cares to acknowledge me as.
blame my past.
when in reality all i want to ask, is when will it be my turn?
when can i focus on me and enjoy what i've earned.
bask in the glow from my accomplishments and a life that i've created on my own recognance.
when will it be all about me..
when will life stop pressing fast-forward before i have a chance to see,
the beauty as it unfolds secretly.
i just want to live... live by my standards and everything else accordingly
just be.. free.
live life simply, as D.