comPlex simPlicity.

2012-01-03T15:07:00.003-08:00

it's always after the fact. .

that you realize just how much you took for granted. how many things you could have done differently, and just how much you really just want back.

but everyone has to move on at some point. can't live your life on pause.

presses PLAY.

2011-12-28T18:00:00.000-08:00

I don't think I was given the right cards to love you. not properly. see, my mind was occupied with the thoughts of what could be. never loving you with my heart completely. you complete me. but now I'm left roamin these lonely streets in my mind. trapped inside. trying to figure out why all I do is turn right. why is so much easier to tell a lie. . instead of telling you how I really feel. why, when you wanted me I couldn't deal and that to be honest even two years later, my heart hasn't fully healed. searching to ease the pain of a void I thought you could fill. knowing that this scar exists and always will. but yet, I want to love you still. with the other pieces that make up my heart. with the matter that directs my soul. with the pulse that regulates my body and this logic that dictates my mind. I want you by my side, when I close my eyes at night and I want your lips to be those that I greet each morning when the sun rises. I want you by my side until my body exhales that last breath. and then I want to do it all over again, meet and fall in love after death. if only, I was capable of loving you today, right now. telling you the why's and showing you the hows. but I can't, like I said. . I was never given the cards to love you properly .

2011-12-27T11:12:00.001-08:00

house full of people & yet i feel lonely as fuck.
but i've learned. . .

there's always more to a story than what's been said
& there's always more to a moment than what's been seen

find your truth.

1 0.

2011-12-10T22:28:00.001-08:00

heavy heart :/

. . . this shit sucks.

a moment of clarity

2011-12-09T18:41:00.000-08:00

there's always a period of recollection. .

a moment of reconciliation within
your mind between you and the one your heart desires.

that ounce of clarity that asks what if . .

like, what if i would have done it right from the start. played hard to get & made sure she truly deserved my heart.

or, what if i would have never crossed that line & gave any sense of hope to a woman who would forever imprint on her mind.

moreso, what if i wouldn't have been so quick to compare her to what i had in the past, knowing that the only reason im here now is because those relationships, they
just didn't last. stop finding any and everything wrong when in reality she was the best I ever had. arguing just for the sake of it with no real reasoning behind it.

even still, with all the could've, would've, should'ves . . the if i had another chance i would do this, that, & of course those things differently. . life tells us that we only get so many re-do's

re-do. new me, new you.. the right way this time. . wishful thinking :| ��

. . .currently on repeat.

2011-12-08T13:13:00.000-08:00

How do I ask her to come back to me
After I told her goodbye
How do I love her so desperately
when for so long ive pushed her aside
how do i walk back into her life
when im the one who walked out on her's
how do i ask her
to see me again
when i told her that i wasnt sure
that we could be friends

God can you whisper in her ear
any where on the way to her car
before the wind blows too far
away from my heart
can you whisper in her ear
anytime while shes lyin on her bed
can you tell her everything that ive said
everything that ive said

How do i try and explain everything
when nothing i say seems to fit
how do i get her to pick up the phone
how did we ever get like this
tell me what kind of man
lets love slip away
and leaves such a good thing behind
im holding my hands pressed
praying to find
a way to fill in this hole
that i have inside

God can you whisper in her ear
any where on the way to her car
before the wind blows too far
away from my heart
can you whisper in her ear
anytime while shes lyin on her bed
can you tell her everything that ive said
everything that ive said

oh can you whisper
oh can you talk to her
can you talk to her
oh yea can you whisper
can you whisper
oh whoa hey

maybe it's me. .

2011-12-01T09:10:00.001-08:00

i've loved. .
and i've lost. .
every single fucking time . at this point i can't help but to look at myself asking "maybe it's me". . and that could be the reason we, didn't work out. see the same line keeps playing in my head and i can't seem to erase it from my brain, "I thought that maybe she was the one that I needed to be with" as I looked at you as if you were insane . my eyes wanted to rain, pour out spouts of emotions because all this time i thought you felt the same . . as me. caught up in a whirlwind of emotions i could do nothing more than down this alcoholic drink because liqour is my remedy. tried to put two and two together asking how i pushed you into the arms of the one you left for me. what did i miss, what didn't I see? was it the constant arguing that made you look that way? was it the lack of affection that made you not want to stay? was it the constant pressure of my desires getting in the way? or did you just roll over and wake up one day ... on some epiphany type shit. and what I really wanted to tell you while i sat there was "bitch, suck my dick" .. loving me but bouncing back so quick. I can't believe it, nor do i see it, that it being you, the same. all i can keep thinking about is this game that has been played, with me being the losing pawn. separating myself from you means moving on . but it's hard to move when your feet feel like tons are attached, when it feels like you have weights on your back and in all honesty, i just want my heart back!

Countdown. .

2011-11-30T23:00:00.001-08:00

21 months, 20 days, 2 hours and 40 minutes . .
that's how long i've spent opening up
to someone non-receptive.
14 months, 4 days, 4 hours and 6 minutes . .
that's how long i've loved someone that never desired to receive it.
8 months, 16 days, 6 hours and 2 minutes . .
that's how long i've looked into sullen eyes with no hint of admiration for me
4 months, 12 days, 3 hours and 6 minutes
that's how long i've fallen asleep looking at your back, cuddled with myself to obtain any ounce of affection.
2 months, 6 days, 4 hours and 3 minutes. .
that's how long i've gone back and forth with myself . continuously asking if i was loving a brick wall. more content with comfort than the effort given.
1 week to the date . .
is how long i've had to digest the fact that there will no longer be an us
4 hours 51 minutes . .
that's how long it's been since you told me that the woman prior to me is who you feel you should be with .
1 minute . .
that's how long it took to break my heart into a million pieces as if it was never whole to begin with.

. . never whole to begin with. but you held the glue as i put together the remaining pieces. but that elmer's didn't hold long enough. and i can't count how many times i let myself meet this same crossroad. i just don't believe anymore. don't believe in you, in the good in humans, nor in love itself.

melt my heart to stone. numb to all emotion. no one deserves my devotion. except me.

2011-11-14T15:23:00.000-08:00

"It took 6 months of talking to you all day, all night... changing cell phone plans as to not go over minutes & adding unlimited text and aim... to say I love you. I've loved you for the last two years and four months; & it took 9 of those long months for you to abuse me; use me; and lose me. & I still loved you... with every bruise and nonchalant smart comment. Out of 853 days I felt beautiful twice, the 2 times you said it. I cried 94 times; and that's more than I've ever cried in my life. March 03 awaits me; my demise month. The death anniversary 0310, and birth of our relationship 0309-- one day apart. I lived 146 miles from you & made 3 hour long trips on 2 different trains to see you weekly. I moved. That way you were only a roll over of space away on the same bed as me. & I could feel you in my dreams and wake up to you, feeling you still holding me. I loved you. Loved you like id hold you even when the weight of your body on my arm caused tingling sensations. Loved you like you're my heart. Loved you like my baby-- treating you as such. Caring for you, protecting you. Loved you. It only takes 3 seconds for me to miss you & 5 seconds for tears to form & 10 seconds for me to roll over and not see you next to me. It takes 22 hour long days to exhaust me into nightmare filled sleep. & it only takes 1 nightmare to spoke my entire existence. You aren't an X, you're a Y... a ghost of mine. A skeleton I buried 12 feet under my closet just to keep you concealed yet at night none of that seems to barricade my heart from my mind and 8,675,856 memories race. I loved you. Even after you left me. You left me. I should've left you. You cheated, and lied. I stayed. You left. Left me then kept me, under your index finger applying pressure crushing me like an ant. You wanted to try. I wanted you. Lets make it work. 2 days later you were on the phone with her, a freshly turned 18 year old, til sleep... I paid your phone bill every month. She's a dancer. She was driving 1500 miles to texas and you said she was just a friend so you kept her company. She spent the night when she got back 5 times. You spent 1 holiday with her while I was alone. Then told me you missed me, I loved you. I sat with you through countless emergency room visits for health complications. I spent 5 nights with you that next week caressed by your love. Two weeks later a 27 year old with a 5 year old child. 3 days later we fought. 7 days later you show up at my door, make love to me then leave. I loved you. I went through the same story with the next 6 of the girls you dated, and all 5 of their children. Giving you 20 dollar allowances to take them on cheap dates. Taking you shopping because you needed summer fall and winter clothes. There were 4 times I rolled up on you & one of them outfits from those.. Seasonal spending spree's.. Every time you lied, I cried, then you put your hands on me to silence my tears. Numb to the stinging sensation and deaf to the cold words. You broke my heart the 1 time... you left me. I loved you. Empty with no love left for myself. Hoping your love wasn't on E, just running low... you never loved me. But I loved you though. They say it takes you twice as long to forgive and move on than to forget and these 8,675,856 memories of we are unforgettable so I suppose ill spend the next 1706 days trying to forgive you. I loved you."

- H.K.A.D (02.11.10)

addiction. . .

2011-07-19T12:20:00.000-07:00

[h e r] kisses are my kryptonite. she's like this drug habit i can't kick after my numerous stints in rehab. i'm addicted in the worst way. even in her absence i fiend for her taste. see images of her face everytime i look in the mirror. she's standing next to me. symbolically. because that's where she's supposed to be in my life. this unconscious mind of mine keeps thoughts of her running even when i convince myself that our time, has run out. hidden addiction, not even she knows how deep it is. and get this, when i'm running on E with a high sex drive her face is who i picture, jizz.. she takes me there. images of our legs tangled in sheets, kissing each other til we fall asleep, waking up to the sound of her breathe all makes my life complete, but nowadays i only experience that in my dreams.. when i sleep that is. withdrawals, trying too purge my system has only caused an illness. only thing that'll make it right is her kiss, her touch, her eyes, and her love.. i get my strength from her smile and don't know how long i can go without. See this sobriety is only temporary, or at least that's what my mind is telling me. a relapse is inevitable, all i need is one hit of her excstacy, and i'm high for days.. even weeks. and when the shit wears off i dont desire anyone else's company.. just hers. and lately, she's been missing and i can't rid myself of this feeling.. that i need her. no longer a want or desire but a neccessity. and i wont stop until i can hit that everyday until there's nothin left of me. addict, crackhead, dopefiend.. all words that describe me . but you can say what you want because she fits perfect into my receptors like dopamine. she's dope i mean, every way, shape, and form.. and until i get it back life as i know it will never be considered as a part of the norm.

. . . frustration.

2011-07-14T23:36:00.000-07:00

maybe i'm used to the more conventional things..
you know the holding hands, sweet nothings, and everything new love brings
but this, this love makes me want to scream.
i dont feel like a partner, more like a friend..
and, when we're out in public platonic vibes are all you send..
i want the cuddling, kissing, and staying up late pillow talking
the millions of pictures documenting stolen moments
the giggles from the numerous insiders we share..
but that feeling, that relationship, that compatibility isn't there..
not something i'm used to, i can't say i like it
i want to be someone's lover all the time, not only in private
your undivided attention is all that i deserve...
but yet, even that doesn't satisfy the emptiness or urge
i want a relationship, a companion, someone that will be there at every moment
give me love and affection at any instance i want it..
but you wont give it..
living a lie, to protect your "straight" image
losing me in the process to save face, not realizing we're not in the same place.
. . . a losing race. but yet you still try to compete..
but, im learning and looking to satisfy ME!

sweet as CANdy. .

2011-07-13T13:58:00.000-07:00

as fucked up as it is, i want to say i hate you so bad..
call you up and tell you just how much i despise your existence
and how your lies had me so far gone, i'm somewhere lost in wonderland
i want to throw a brick in your front window and put your car on flats
run up your credit so bad, it'll take thirty years to get back.
have your bank account reflecting zero
only because your emotional instability will have you searching for a [her]o.
i wanna break you down to your rock bottom, make your heart harden
feel the pain that you caused me after you said you never would.
i want to hurt you just to say i could..
... and i would, if i didnt love you.
see, everytime i see your name i get a strange mix of butterflies and wanting to vomit..
i just want to be next to you, the other shit, i cant quite call it.
you played both sides of the fence and still expected me to want it
but you wanted her, and everytime i look up i see my karma and what i deserved
i cant say im happy for you because i want to see you fail..
i hope she shits on your heart and puts you through hell..
i hope your dating is dragged out for months, with no relationship in the end..
i hope you realize that we will never ever be friends.
i hope that your success is hindered and you receive no luck..
just so you see how much you fucked up!
:)

.. see, im sweet when i want to be. BITCH!

late night rant ..

2011-06-23T00:35:00.001-07:00

i used to love her ..
loved her like the first day of summer after an extremely wet spring. that exciting love, that makes you anticipate every second to come. overwhelmed by the butrerflies, my eyes danced in your presence. made each lesson that i thought scarred me worth it. a new feeling that made understand what my worth is..

but now I love her more..
so much that it frightens me. makes me question just how could it be, that I passed up a love truly all about me.. tables turned and I care more than you . want this more than you, and you're playing the games that I used to.. trying to keep a nonchalant attitude my heart is slowly being bruised . confused, because I cant understand why you can't just drop everything . make me your number one and go away with me. travel the world with no desire to leave .. no desire for anyone but the one staring you in your eyes..

but those days are gone..
and im listening to a scratched record that i've wiped the dust off. caught in a love triangle trying to avoid another love lost. but karma's coming and she's looking for me .. as I'm looking for your heart.. wondering just how far we've grown apart . wishing that we could have a fresh start, just me and you .. not a combination of everyone knowing our business .. just truth.

No Love.

2011-05-28T13:13:00.000-07:00

No love.
See this is the result of not having a mind of your own. these influences have too great of an affect and you're grown. steady listening to the birds when all that truly matters is the voice within. with this constant hate we'll never be more than friends. its unfortunate. jealousy and envy at the root of it. they dont like me, cant fathom an us so our potential is left here.. to rust.
No love.
I'll never win against this crowd. their voices overpower your emotions. they're too loud. like a classic film you see my lips moving but my words are mute. they mean nothing to you anymore even though they are nothing shy of the truth. this bru-tal force that has beat at us i think has finally come to claim its defeat. 'us' doesn't exist. there's only you and me. two seperate entities.
No love.
but i loved you nonetheless. it pains me to watch each day as we regress. slowly deteriorating until eventually they'll be nothing left.. and for what?... the satisfaction of others?.. but just know their silence will never be seen. and each time you fall in love with someone else, their lies will become even more obscene. but will your life be more peaceful then, without me. maybe even a little more serene. sometimes all that matters is you and your happiness. but shit, maybe thats something you'll only see in a dream coz you refuse to let it happen miss.

what about me?

2011-04-30T00:15:00.000-07:00

i never had a childhood, see..
my days were spent taking care of a brother four years younger than me
but i never faulted her for doing what she had to making sure we,
were taken care of.
working two jobs eating only when we didnt finish our food
and i never found it strange that we'd eat breakfast at the church each morning before school
or that filling our backpacks with the free goods laid out was considered uncool.
that was normal to me.
and mommy was who i was deemed to be..
mother to a brother i did not birth, mommy to an unborn child at fourteen.
only because i did not have one of my own.
adolescence with a bestfriend instead of a parent.
her new boyfriend was more important than apparent needs of a teenage girl.
isolation. seperation.
raped and i called out to my mother in desperation
but she turned deaf ears..
but still i didnt blame her.. i blamed it on the alcohol.. and the drugs i decided to intake
and the child that i lost because i began the nurturing too late
never was it her fault.
living life in the fast lane, headed down a path of destruction
only to stop myself..
placing my feet on the ground firmly taking strides in a direction of self righteousness and happiness..
but i havent obtained it yet..
and just when i thought that i could focus on me, my history repeats itself
and at twenty-one im having the same cards re-dealt.
playing mother to a mother and the children she didnt seem to think of
being the foudation of a family held only together by love.
and still, i cant fault her.
at a time when i should be living and enjoying life selfishly.. im devoting time and energy to a mess i didnt create selflessly
selfless.
more focused on her fuck-ups than my aspirations. these classifications of wrongs and rights deterring me from the goals i had in sight.
fast forward.
living life ten years older than the government cares to acknowledge me as.
blame my past.
when in reality all i want to ask, is when will it be my turn?
when can i focus on me and enjoy what i've earned.
bask in the glow from my accomplishments and a life that i've created on my own recognance.
when will it be all about me..
when will life stop pressing fast-forward before i have a chance to see,
the beauty as it unfolds secretly.
i just want to live... live by my standards and everything else accordingly
just be.. free.
live life simply, as D.

choices.

2011-04-28T15:52:00.000-07:00

in life we have choices, mistakenly i chose you..
caught up in the history and friendship i believed that we could have something more.
anticipating something better, caught up in a stolen moment.. away!
only to realize it was all just an illusion. and the pretenses that you presented were nothing more than a facade. silly me..
because honestly, i believed that finally you could be all about me..
just once, not placing your friends or your pride above the relationship we were trying to form.
See i was willing to compromise. leave out the 'title' that you so adamantly despised as long as i forever had you by my side.
I hid my desire for pda and tucked away my doubts of you really dedicating your life to a woman until your last day..
only to hear them echo
telling me once again i've made a mistake.
Its hard to let go of countless months of shared laughs, and families adopted through connections and holidays that have past..
yet, im looking for a way out. minimal pain with maximum gain and a way for the friendship to continue without the bruises of letting go all that we've been through.. but we are not the same.
more like positive and negative ions that have somehow connected.
but my positive needs a positive and your negative needs the same.
at some point we have to realize love is the name of this heartbreaking GAME!

Ode to a Ratchet by Cari ( @C_Chez )

2011-03-03T11:07:00.001-08:00

You are the woman I constantly see in my dreams...standin there smackin on that gum that is amplified by that neck roll & you say..."Uh uh nigga!" wavin them 2 fangaz....you touch my soul when you do that shit...ooooh how hood you get...nails all the colors in the nail shop, design lookin like the graffiti on the block....24 inch weave...number 4 in the back red in the front...I love when you roll my blunts...collect unemployment & you still do hair, you my ambitious girl that's so rare, look @ you...all on that Everest commercial, check baby out sippin on that Andre out the bottle...you sure you aint no Rainbow model?! You my gutta bitch & know all them Vixen songs, you should see when she toot her lips when I Need That come on...you my favorite girl so creative & unique running thru my dreams, just don't hurt yaself with them acrylic on ya feet!

the wait is over..

2010-12-28T13:19:00.000-08:00

... what i wish for you?
laughs that continue to bring you happiness days after the moment has passed
a love so strong there isn't a question in your mind you have to ask
i hope you experience a passion so mindblowing you see nothing cross your path
and that a phenomenal woman comes into your life willing to overlook your past

... whenever you feel that you are ready for all that.

but I can't wait forever.
i'm an amazing woman, extremely clever
and there are certain things i deserve now, whether .. or not you're ready
i want to smile until my cheeks hurt.
cook dinner in two's and drink wine until our eyes flirt
i want to take random trips, gaining knowledge at what i intake
stretch my boundaries and do things i never dreamed would take place
see a race .. of people that i never knew existed
fill up word search books on rainy days until not a single word is missing..
be able to tell corny jokes.. just . because. i know you'll listen..
i want to walk hand in hand..
on the beach watching the sunset, at the start of a marathon we haven't run yet
i want to experience love first hand
i want to know what its like to wake up and go to sleep
with a heart in tune with mine for we have the same beat
i want to know the pattern in which you breath
i just want the fairy tale i've always dreamed..
and no, im not making reference to the disney princess happily ever afters
i want to argue over something that matters..
i want to get mad and storm out and then after.. crawl up beside you
i deserve something of my own, a love of my own, a partner of my own
i want someone selfishly devoted to me.
nothing matters outside of what WE have going on.
wishful thinking but i wont settle until its given..
so i dont blame you for taking your distance.

... i desire .. you procrastinate ..

i can no longer wait.

New Beginnings..

2010-12-16T10:27:00.001-08:00

“teach me, train me, guide me…
only YOU can release the love inside me.”
this entire situation is wild you see..
spent nights and days crying unable to speak
& you, YOU appear to me.
more than i’ve ever asked for.. even in my wildest dreams
so serene..
a rarity.. that’s not only amazing but already complete
see, im complete as well..
don’t need another to make me or break me
just a counterpart whose willing to take me…
all around the world if I wish to see it
be there beside me with a passport and a ticket..
don’t need someone to be mr.fix it..
im mended..
& you my dear .. you’re splendid
from your walk, to your talk, to the way that you shy away when i get sentimental and soft
your laugh.. and that kindness
you’re heart is beyond big.. everyone can see it.. even blind men
I don’t know where this is going but eager to see where it ends up
I look forward to the stomach cramps from laughing too much
tingles from your kisses and touch..
honestly.. i can never get enough..
enough of you, enough of us..
enough of this unknown realm we’ve discovered and plus..
we’re compatible as fuck.
No rush.
Im willing to take this as slow as need be
as long as in the end.. the cycle ends and a new chapter begins with YOU and ME.

just a thought...

2010-11-16T10:13:00.001-08:00

butterfly kisses ... you give me butterflies . your eyes ..
gaze deep- er inside of me than most .
you take the time to LISTEN and that's ..
that's what i love the most .
your ears reach my lips before your lips do..
and i know if i took the time to ask you .. "what did i forget to
do today?" ..
you'd repeat back my agenda quicker than you could describe how my lips taste.
amazing .. and i can't say it enough.
vulnerability is your strong point, you don't front and pretend like your tough.
not rough.. every element of you exudes softness.
sensuality . and passion .. and you read my body without even asking .
grasping for information that makes me .. me.
so interested in my dreams, aspirations, and what i desire to be. me ..
that's what matters ... my smile . my peace . your only aim is to please ..
reminiscing .. i love that you make me smile and every moment spent
with you makes my day to day a lil' more worthwhile ..
if only you knew how deep i was willing to let you in..
and what i'm willing to put out if you chose to begin...
its a win win for the both of us..
and if you run with me ill be matching your pace even when the road gets rough.
never be without .. out of the ordinary is what you are ..
and in this movie i call my life you're my favorite star..
you approached this wall i have built up and have come so far..
without.. even.. trying!

2 for 1

2010-11-09T10:57:00.001-08:00

Dilemma
what i want in one, i see in two
you've got my heart .. but SHE ..
she's catching up to you
FAST!
and the more we argue the shorter i see 'this' last-ing
you push me away.. while she's grabbing
grasping my mind.
tryna learn the twists & turns that make my heart
operate
but you regulate the way it beats..
make my blood pump faster than i can speak
and when you look at me while you bite your lips..
mmm.. my knees go weak...
weak.
that's what i konsider myself..
coz while im playing monkey in the middle
im ignoring how she felt, and YOU
well uhh, you only show me what's below the belt.. nothing deeper ..
sex and a bestfriend verse laughs and mental intimacy..
i can't figure out what's best for me
you don't want what i have, but SHE..
she's willing to love me faithfully..
while i wait for you ..
playing the most dangerous game..
that of the heart
and in the end.. someone's gonna lose

what if?

2010-09-21T11:19:00.000-07:00

I just want to erase everything and start over..
I seem to always ask .. what if?!
what if i would have stayed home after graduation? ..
my degree would damn near be in hand, i'd be closer to my dreams and who i want to be as a wo-man.
less stress and more understand-ing of my circumstances.
what if i never fell in love.. and gave my all? ..
i wouldnt know heartbreak so profound..
wouldn't have kried myself to sleep night after night, leaving teardrops on my pillow with no sound
i wouldn't be skared to love again, and would submerge myself not in the past but right NOW
living in love.. no worries and no doubt.
what if i commited wholeheartedly to ME?..
i'd know happiness in its purest state. would be able to sleep alone any given day
not be so hesitant and resistant to what i know is fate.
would make the most important decisions before it was too late -- coz in life there is no time to wait.
But i kant start over...
im unfamiliar with what it feels like to spend weekends sober.
no closure. trials and tribulations being my exposure to truth
its life..
and im living it the best way i know how.

musikal ecstasy

2010-08-03T20:21:00.000-07:00

late nights, kold wine. your so klose your body heat warms mine. your eyes, so intense i kan feel the fire burning from inside. it's half past nine, your hand rubbing softly up and down my thigh and i, Kant help but to fantasize. hummin softly the tune i plan to play throughout the night. let's kreate a song that'll bring us kloser .. physikally. im all for mental konnektions, but damn i feel your teasing me. pleasing me? i kould go for that. the sight of you is so appeasing to me .. so lean in to me.. so i kan see just how sweet your kisses can be. my favorite type of intimacy. it starts me off, there's no end you see. sexually, your the best kind of enemy... and i always win. so let me sit and watch you undress so we kan begin.. partaking in the sweeetest sin. kum klose to me baby, i need to feel your skin, touching me .. im touching you. hearts beating so rapidly i Kant tell whose beat is whose.. but i want this. and it all started with that one simple kiss.. my imagination is .. at an all time high .. your eyes never leaving mine.. my hands reaching for what i desire which you hold between your thighs and i, begin to strum a melody. the sweetest rhythm designed to take you to ecstacy. fast and then slow . moans high and then low . baby please let me know, you like it. im no psychic and your reactions provide the excitement that keeps me going and going .. i feel your lips tracing up and down my neck and your not knowing .. that it gets me off. and as i feel you reaching your climax my hands relocate to your lower back, nails dig deep as i arch my back .. to get kloser .. to you. i don't wanna move. my body's to hot and your skins so smooth . i want to lay there and proceed to do what our bodies want to. you on top of me, me beneath you. fiending for your touch & lips more than addikts to for their fix. in bliss, you provide the nourish-ment i need. i don't want you to stop until there is a mess all over me. and that's probably more graphic than it needs to be .. but im honest. and quite frankly it's rare that you might find this. when it comes to sex, i am the most successful predator .. no need to be afraid just be able to handle any and everything i throw your way. All day, i kan even go all night. you tell me no?! i love when you put up a fight. It turns me on.. and all night i kould listen to this song that our bodies are playing . leave it on repeat so i kan hear the murmurs and sounds your making. no faking .. one hundred percent real . sex game is the koldest bound to seal.. any loose ends or sekond thoughts .. get kaught up in this fantasy im kreating . bodies left wet and shaking . our scent in the air, and you that im tasting. if only this were reality and not just sum daydream that was wasted .

Mindfuccked.

2010-06-16T12:15:00.000-07:00

* bobs head; starts singing *
Kaught uP. got me feeling it . Kaught uP.
* rolls eyes *
who wants to be kaught uP in a situation they don't know if they kan win?! everyday asking myself .. questioning "is this the end" ?!
I let it begin . Honesty told me in the beginning we'd never be more than friends. emotions krept in . feelings bekame more than i kould withstand . so i spoke out, out to a silent woman. damn . they say patience is a virtue, but im only human.
My mind and my heart are playing tug-o-war. My mind throws red flags yelling danger, and my heart.. my heart seems to want you more.
eyes sore from sleepless nights tossing and turning . my mind's too restless and my body's steady yearning ..
for your touch . your warmth . your presence ... living in the moments shared since time is of the essence. lessons ..
but im too deep in to be receptive . guessin' . whether or not im kumin out viktorious in this situation..
or if it'll lead to another 10mos of serious depression. regression . ive been here before . i Kant see past you .
I've witnessed this situation previously . it's sumthin like de ja vu . only *I had the konnektion .. and the other woman ..
yeaa she knew . as i do . trying my hardest to make you see that im the prototype the one fit to fill the shoes . stepping on her toes
doing whatever it'll take to get to you . selfish . coz at the end of the day i don't give a fucck what she's going thru .
the exakt shyt i hated when i was going thru it too . perplexity kontinues . what do i do ?! wait and see what happens ..
or make moves . away from you . away from us . far away from this thin line between love and lust . forcing myself out of this komfort zone to protekt myself and avoid the fuss . complexity makes shyt more diffikult so do i take it slow or rush ?! straight up yo' ..
im MINDFUCCKED!

unthinkable.

2010-04-28T00:37:00.000-07:00

YOU.
ME.
WE?!
.. now, i Kan Promise fairytales & happily ever afters .. but in each story there is sum inevident disaster . but our arguments will be .. drowned out by the kontinuous laughter . & the friendshiP we shared prior will make the love burn faster & deeper .. emotions that'll make me never want to leave her. i'll keep her . keep you . moments shared so intimate, our relations leave them konfused. day at the park,lengthy konversations after dark, sitting on the beach watching the sky turn kolors, living off that spark that no one understands.. our hands, intertwined . if the decision was uP to me .. forever you'd be mine. i'd battle it out with father time as long as i was the stimulant you needed to ease your mind . the body you needed next to you to sleep at night . the face you needed to see each day at sunrise & the voice you needed to hear before you klosed your eyes .. yeaa, i'll be that and more if only i kould break through that klosed door coz i know you won't be unlocckin it. & your steady ignoring my knocckin' .. i'm making attempts but your blocckin . blocckin me . blocckin haPPiness you only dreamed you kould see. loyalty,honesty,trust kum standard with me. but you don't believe. & i Kant fault you . but here's what i'm willing to do . keeP pushin til i get through . words don't work so I'll show you . take a backseat until i kan fully prove that i should be the one you choose . win-win situation, there is no lose. use the fuel that im giving. don't be afraid of ur emotions or new beginnings. preliminary feelings are tell-all signs of endless possibilities so run with it . coz i'll run too. as long as when we reach our destination.. we form a partnership consisting of ME and YOU.

FOUR .

2010-04-11T22:01:00.001-07:00

admiration at it's finest. ive taken a steP outside my norm and happened to find this .. attraktion that normally would not occur had i been fokused on the traits i normally search for first..kursed .. or so i thought i was but lately through self reflektion ive managed to rise above .. love .. your running from me but i'll play hide n seek as long as when i find you, you play for keeps .. see im knee deep in this attraktion but Kant figure out what fourth of the fraktion you fit into.. so as i go through the differences please choose which best deskribes you and this situation we've kum to..
INFATUATION being at the top of the list..
the symptoms go a little like this when im with you it's more like a state of eternal bliss and when your gone more times than none it's you i miss.. but at night when im home i question if the feelings are auntheticated or if im floating on illusional hopes kreated out of the loneliness and emptiness that invaded after my fairytale evaded my grasps..
and that seems to klash with the concept of LUST
your touch .. never to soft or even to rough .. and when it's brought up i Kant help but blush .. sexual enough .. when skin touches i kan feel my blood rush into the most sensitive parts of my frame .. i kame .. over and over again .. but am i mistaking pleasure for principle ? or are they one in the same .. good sex is enough to erase all sanity without klaim but whose to blame .. the one doing the sexin or the one who is unintentionally kausing pain .. leaving sex as the kommon denominator in this attraktion game
or is it one of the more sane alternatives, LIKE
revolving moreso around the aktivites and attention i get from you .. or when we're out and about doing the random things we do .. but are the emotions true .. or .. am i kaught up in the momentary satisfaktion i get from the konstant laughing and absence of klashing between two entirely different personalities .. it's odd you see .. coz i find us kompatible even tho probably you Kant see the potential . but out of all before mentioned there is one that rises above
last type of attraktion simply being LOVE
ironic that i say simple bekause of all the forms this is by far the most komplex.. one that i'm not prepared to rediskover yet . the one that keeps me at my best only bekause i feel with you the two of us kan overkum every test. it's like i admire not only what you do but who you are and that's by far the highest achievement one kan reach in a relationship without reaching to the stars . accepting you for you bypassing the flaws .. it's reciprocated .. feelings and emotions never outdated .. permanently plated in memories that linger even when there is nothing else left.

2010-03-29T23:26:00.000-07:00

akward silence.
i guess its easier for me to write it than sPeak it
im voKal but when it kums to my emotions .. i hide beneath it
changes . history . pain
all played a part in the konstruktion of this wall that was built
when it kums to you .. i sit atop
one leg dangling on the right. the other on the left
playing bacck and forth in my head with the "what ifs and who kares"
wondering if at the end of the day i really told you how i felt ..
if you would still be there..
skared.
but sekrets bind tighter than the truth
& when it kums to you , im konfused.
i kare when normally i wouldnt. triP when i know i shouldnt.
i tried to stop myself but kouldnt .
krushin..
but i enjoy the position that you play. enjoy having sumone around everyday
no strings attached and at night i get to play .. but is it safe?
if i hide what am i missing. if im exposed, would you even listen.
listen.

ghost of a komPliKated Past

2010-02-06T14:59:00.001-08:00

10:10pm
im attempting to klose my eyes and drift off to dreamlands more
profound than sights from an eagles eyes . im smiling . anticipating
what tomorrow kan bring and the endless possibilities that may arise
if only i kan find the motivation to use the will that i have
inside .. of me. so free, my eyes get heavy and fall effortlessly ..
sweeet . for once i Kan sleeP...
4:42am
you're here again .. and i Kant seem to komPrehend why YOUR face is the only one i see or why my heart won't let this be .. WHY ARE YOU SKREAMING AT ME ? your voice is so loud it drowns out my own .. my thoughts, my words , fuccK i just want to be alone . but i hear you .. surround sound .. your always there .. images of EVERYWHERE we ever went kloud my mental sPace . im running .. i need to get out of this Place .. but im running in a circle . entraPment . my mind is Playing the role of a gold digger loccKin in an athlete for 18years. but i don't wanna be here that long . oh for heaven's saKe
5:37am
im still awake . and your echoing in my ears louder than the rumbles of an earthquake .. ringing in my ears longer than thunder stays .. shaking my body like the earth's Plates .. in the worst way.. get the fuccK out.. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.. no i don't want to remember our first song, your ringtone, how the sex would last all night long. not even how your number existed more than my mamas on my kall log . BYTCH BE GONE .. please . and no im not begging .. my knees are ash free but im tired of you appearing where you don't need to be .. babygyrl .. aren't you fuccKin tired of me ..
6:12am
im tired of you.. and im tired of hearing your voice .. and yes even your laugh .. or even that now hideous moan you do when im giving you some ass .. just SHUT THE FUCK UP .. be quiet .. callate .. silencio Por favor bekause i no longer wish to hear you .. deaf by choice .. I'll go bacck to using sign language if i need to . see you .. it's a sight for sore eyes .. id pore acid in each one if it meant no more lies or insomnia and sighs .. but I Kant xskape you beKause sumhow you've managed to work your way into my mental and get komfortable.. once yanno i wanted you there but no longer do i kare to feel your presence surrounding .. im drowning .. and misery loves KomPany so you haunt me.. ghost bytch .. GET GHOST BYTCH.. and let me sleeP these last few hours comatose triccK
8:45am
your still here ? eyes bloodshot and surprisingly i haven't shed a single tear .. but truth be told i haven't slept right for the Past nine months .. Kumin uP on a year .. and you, your still here . fears .. all my big ones you brought into existance . every night 11:11 you know what my wish is .. for you to evade every inch of my cerebral cortex .. for your touch not to linger on the kurves of my korset . for every emotion to bekum null and void so that if ever i
were to run into you again i kould aktually hold my head high.. looK you in your EYE and not have to avoid any remnants or feelings that tie me to you . you are .. quite overdue for a slap in the face, instead i'll smile at the bytch (or two, coz you know how hos do) you chose as my rePlace-memt. no tears, no fear oh looky here my dear .. DEAR BYTCH rid me of your existance once and for all . please fall, from the face of this earth . MY earth at least becoz klearly we're living in two different worlds ..
9:23
time to get uP. it's Klass time . coz uhm unlike you edukation ranks
high as a priority in my life. i rise .. on a Path so swift most desPise my ambition .. and once knowledge is acquired im baccK on my grind .. 8-10hr shifts kloccKin dollars most bytches wish they Kould find .. rewind .. all of this is mine .. koulda been yours but now.. i just don't have the time .. another sleePless night but im funktioning like ive had 8+ hours .. high as a kite .. attitude so right.surprise, im still standing . your haunting and hollering is just the fanning i need under my hot ass to keeP me going at full speed . i'll see you again .. you never disappear for long .. but these daytime hours are mine alone ..
11:23pm
im baccK at home . Prepared for a horrid rePlay of this loong drawn out song. welKuming you baccK to sing along . your sitting on your throne.. of thorns . form-ulating just how you'll torture me and begin this fight. im alright and surprisingly im not sKared .. coz i know i'll be seeing you tonight.. you'll be right here . i'll see you baby ..
SEE YOU IN MY NIGHTMARES..

delirious thoughts.

2010-02-01T05:38:00.001-08:00

hidden thoughts and inevitable smiles. you kross my mind more often than every once in a while. i find myself daydreaming about possibilities of a you & i . maybe sumwhere down the line a beautiful reproduktion id gladly kall mine. the capabilities of time are limitless. and although your a million miles away in my idle time its you i miss. reminisce on Konversations Past until i Klose my eyes. thinK about how your laugh Kauses mine to eruPt from inside. *sigh. its brazy when i thinK about how easily you've made me realize i Kan smile again. Kan indulge in relations that konsist of being more than a friend. from this, so much Kan begin .. but truth be told im sKared and i refuse to pretend. I Kant see you. or feel the softness of your skin. Kant be by your side as each day ends . so who wins? am i to give in and go with the emotions that kreeP uP every now and then or stay hidden, protekt myself and run away from all of it .. delirious thoughts .. but i wonder if these are the same ones that haunt my mental when im alert...

selfless love <3

2010-01-15T02:20:00.000-08:00

•you first and then me ..
your smile .. the one thing i live to see
you want it .. you got it
to make room for you i'll even empty out my kloset
love ? not quite . coz at the end of the night when im laying in my bed, next to you, with your heartbeat rhythmically in tune with my own, i am alone. when you wake up what is the first thing you do..
reach for your phone. uhm hello? yeaa the kaller on this side of the pillow dialed in direktly when she rubbed your back until you fell asleep. meant every word when she said she played for keeps but SHE ..
is the last thing your worried about . haa.. no doubt

•for youu . racks easy and well spent
your my baby .. you deserve every bit
skool starts to slip .. but im working 9-5
there's summer skool for make-ups & you hunny deserve every dime
you'd think for that id at least get sum time. but unfortunately the rise that i get out of spoiling you is not reciprocated. and at the end of the day your friends mean more to you than the lovely dinner plated right in front of you when you Kum home.but with a smile on my face i kater to my king and keep her on the throne.continue to give you more of me in hopes that one day you'll see .. what this truly kould turn out to be..
false hope..

•you fucck up . i say im sorry
as long as at the end of the day .. you still want me
i shed tears . DADDY says shutuP
the krying shyt doesn't work so i dry my eyes & suck it up
fucck..
i give you take .. i look around and there is nothing left at stake. but yet there is a part of you that i just Kant shake . this break-
down keeps kumin ever so suddenly and when i look up your no longer here with me. all these lies i put up with you see got me nowhere near where i wanted to be. this fictitious smile fooled no one but myself .this love was just a bullshyt hand dealt and all this love i chose to give equals wasted energy . you never kared. you were in it for me.
moreso for your own selfish reasons and i believed them. believed you & your panty droppin promises that eventually knoccked me to the ground again.. maybe that's what happens when you indulge in "sin". round two of a failed love this time from sumone i thought of as one of my bestfriends. only thing left to comprehend are these ugly skars imprinted on my mind,heart,body,and soul..
nuthin left within.. im running on E..

•you first.. and then me
coz your smile is all i truly kared to see
you want it .. you got it ..
pulled the gun from the top shelf of the kloset
*BANG

abnormal enkounters

2009-12-21T23:56:00.001-08:00

at times i find myself wandering . waiting . Looking for answers i'll never find . seeking answers to that unanswerable question "why" but yet still i try to define each and every murmured thought that occupies my mind .. I found myself wandering in owterspace the other night & enkountered this being .. a womyn nonetheless and she asked me the simplest question that put my mind to the test .. "what does your soul sing ?" and after numerous beginnings and hitting the delete button way too many times i stopped. dug deep in my mind and spoke the truth as it began to unwind .. my soul hums ominous tunes of kountless heartbreaks and falsified loves . chords of promised forever's that ended before an anniversary kould kum up. it tells stories of stolen days and tearful sights that kurse my dreams damn near every night .. But aside from the dark musikal that it plays without my konsent my soul sings melodies ever so pleasant . Songs of intellekt gained only from retrospektion and soul searching . Lessons that you Kant gain in any one's klassroom or previously explored sessions. the one's life teaches you to accept as blessings and the more kontroversial ones that the biggest bytch karma bestows upon us. it sings ever so harmoniously the laughter of the young gyrl who was found again, self love acquired . and the reality that SHE is her only friend.. the perfekt melody with perfekt pitch my soul sings a song that will never again be affekted by any bytch, subversive shyt, or any outside influence. im not fucckin with it . and once i spilled out the words i kouldnt believe how easily they kame . and how even after all the bullshyt ive managed to remain sane or.. at least pretend that i was thankful for the change . and as i looked up surprisingly my space being was looking back. never once did she break eye kontakt . trying to figure out why it was i had to go back to this place that breaks down even the most beautiful women who have everything in tact. I smiled . started to descend down to this place we kall earth . and in the distance i kould hear her humming ..
MY tune. :]

2009-12-14T12:25:00.001-08:00

• who to kall .. when im feeling less than mediocre . when my body's
getting kolder . my thoughts are frozen over .. and this illicit
sobriety is telling me that my next move will determine if my life is
over -- it's over .

so BEAUTIFUL

2009-12-02T02:35:00.000-08:00

it takes alot for someone to be beautiful. for one to be considered a representation of that term. certain traits must be reviewed. is their mind,character,personality "beautiful". being so, i choose wisely who i label with that adjective.. So you should know that with all the aforehand being mentioned that for me to consider you beautiful says alot about how i perceive you and your aura. when they ask i say im intrigued i just want to explore her. figure out what it is that gets her mental gears turning, that body yearning, how far i am from earning the chance to be embraced by you. and Wayne says it best " I just wanna be beside you when you sleep and you lay or we kan stay awake and watch the next day " i wanna live inside your world . if only momentarily .. figure out what it is that makes those spasms in your cheeks we kall smiles occur .. define the light that shines in your eyes .. and see if your mental capacity is filled like mine .. Filled with knowledge that kould easily rewrite past time. I just want the chance to get to know you inside and out. i want to hear you skream and shout, shout out unkontrollable laughter and skreams that derive from me tickling you til you Kant breathe and I just wanna be the unlikely one that seems like your perfekt match .. so beautifully attrakted I find myself wondering if sweet nothings would kaptivate you or convince you that happiness is at your front door . or would it take more .. maybe if i took the time to converse with you I'd realize that you are truly undefined . and as much as i want you as mine I'd rather spend my time vibe-ing to the melodies that our thoughts kreate when we openly express them. so perfektly in tune your intelllekt is a stimulant to my own.. but I don't own not even an ounce of the being possessing it . im stepping in .. Into this foreign world of you. but im intrigued by you. so i pursue hopin that my efforts won't be wasteful and that when it's all done I'll get the slightest taste of .. what it is true beauty looks,feels, and sounds like.

sobriety pt.1

2009-11-17T13:02:00.001-08:00

ive realized that behind these smiling eyes and this epic smile there is Pain that I've hidden away . Pain that i figured was better left hidden than dealt with. Pain that will sooner or later kum baccK and bite me in my ass . Pain that i Kant feel bekause im never sober long enough to deal with my real emotions. all i get are premature feelings and as soon as i feel them lingering i drown myself in whatever is klosest to me. when im under the sedation i feel most at peace & smiles kum out. Glazed eyes hide what im truly feeling inside and i smile so I don't have to sPeak. so no one hears my voice kraccKing or sees my hands trembling or the nervousness i Possess when anyone tries to get anywhere klose to me. this ghost is holding me, haunting me day in and day out. i go to sleeP each night wondering if I'd really be able to sleeP if i were sober. if i really accePted the Pain & worked toward klosure. it's over . am i strong enough? do i want to ? am i truly haPPy right now? questions that i must comprehend before i kan even begin to praktice sobriety. and while all these bytches are eyeing me.. im eyein this bottle. and while these bytches are kallin me baby & tellin me they love me im inlove with mary Jane. sane.. for the moment .. but accePting my life will never again be the same :-/

--PRETTYGYRL

love lost.

2009-11-03T04:06:00.000-08:00

I was PRETTY .. PRETTYGYRL

your baby.. your world

your queen, your wife

You said for ME, you'd give your life

Then I became...

a bytch , a whore

Your worst nightmare knocckin at your door

i was FiftyOneFifty , Psychotik

an annoying reKord & you kouldnt figure out how to stoP it

any and everything that was me, was linked to you.

even after you drug me thru dirt you were still my dream kum true

i was lost.. lost without you..

but my heart no longer strums melodies . it's strings have been kut.

the only faults I have in this situation is loving and karing too much. but the tears ive kried will exist no more. my eyes are empty..empty as your heart was when you told me we were no more. empty as the promises you made when you oPened uP the door, to my heart. and yet these eyes are filled with the lies you thought I'd never unkover.bitterness burdens my heart everytime a detail unveils itself and leads me to diskover you are NOT the woman i fell in love with. not who you proklaimed to be. silly of me that i kould think i had tamed the beast inside you. taking blame where I wasn't obligated to. in spite of you & the shyt you did kountless times to hurt me purposely.i karried you with me still wanting you, undeniably and as naive as it was I let you baccK inside of me only to once again be Pushed to the side when you see no Purpose for me in your life. your disguise has been removed .. and I now see you for you. loving you has transformed from bringing me joy to kausing me the worst Pain I've ever felt in my life .. I've lost every ounce of energy trying to win this fight ..and with my only mission being to regain my title as your wife I've managed to fail miserably at every attempt. while you stood kontent watching me fall on my face, get uP on my knees, beg you Please ..listened as i let my heart bleed out your name. and now.. now it just doesn't beat. ive watched as you've tried to fill my seat. & my soul has enkountered so much grief. You say I lost you, I lost you a long time ago. when you chose to put your mouth on her, kurse me out and tell me how much I don't deserve .. You. baby you were gone. stringing me along thinking you were here all along when in reality the song that my heart was Playing.. was a solo. but I didn't know so, I hung on foolishly .. waiting for you to Kum baccK to me . only to be forced to realize you wouldn't be & once you got tired of me I'd be the one sitting and rePlaying this sad exkuse for a love story gone awry. & after the kountless times i told myself i wanted to die I had to realize that my life is worth more. and as selfish as you are i love you for the lessons that you taught me although you may not have intended to. and as sad as it is, ILOVEYOU .. still that 5308 love..That 143 637 love. I'm talking 5689966389 dots & shyt you already know tyPe love.. but love, you asked me to let go & stoP karin' so I'll keeP my feelings bottled in from here on out, and give you what you've asked for no hesitation and against all internal doubts. allowing you to move on, realizing my heart is no longer where you kall home, I'll do this from here on out on my own. so.. so long ..

--dedikated:

*2 mah beat , the woman who saved me from me, showed me what real love felt & looked like, tooK mah heart to an entirely new limit

& then droPPed me like a bad habit, threw me baccK in the trenches like i was worth less than dirt. - you will B remembered for a lifetime *

growth.

2009-09-28T01:06:00.001-07:00

" As I've grown, I've learned several things: life is full of disappointments and people you trusted will sooner or later let you down. I've learned that often those you love will love someone else and there's only one way to fall; fast and hard. I've learned that out of thousands of smiles, it takes one to touch your heart. I've found that words can be deceiving, but the truth always lies in a person's eyes. I've learned that everything can change in the blink of an eye and tears often come without invitation. I've learned crying can make us stronger and there is never too much love to go around. I've learned that prejudice helps no one and that weapons don't hurt people, people hurt people. I've learned sticks and stones may leave cuts and bruises but harsh words leave scars. I've found that every time you give someone a piece of your heart, it's a piece that you will never get back. I've learned the past is meant to be put behind us and we can't dwell on regrets, for what's done is done. I've learned that trusting yourself is the first step and that forgiving is remembering that helps your own heart more then theirs. I've found that family isn't always blood and everyone is someone's hero. I've learned life is unexpected and that God can do anything. I've learned some things aren't meant to be understood and that only time heals. I've found that imagination is our greatest gift and that we are meant to dream for a reason. I've learned it is never too late to fall in love and that being "beautiful" is all on the inside. Mistakes are our best teachers and everything happens for a reason. Only when you realize this, can you live life to it's full and true potential. "

sweet memories.

2009-09-06T12:03:00.000-07:00

Last night turned into this morning without any warning whatsoever. I was up, wide awake, but not from the typikal insomnia, because truth be told.. im able to once again sleeP at night. Kan get in my bed, and even sleeP on YOUR side, so no.. this was not the tyPikal fight.a room filled with memorabilia and a floor scattered with pictures kePt me uP until the sun was in my eyes.. this time, not a tear in sight. i smiled, reliving the places that each photograph was taken. i heard the laughs shared, saw the love, and the feeling i used to get when you came around enveloped my entire body and haPPiness.. became a friend of mine temPorarily. Kontent with the fakt that i may never get those days bacck again, i cherished every emotion felt. knowing that these memories will forever be in my mind, imprinted over time, only to reaPPear when i feel im doing fine.. without you. sweet memories that i kan recall 2838493 years from now, 7362272661 days from now and kountless hours without any gaP in the sequence of events. these.. sweet memories that have managed to arrive not from the bitterness and anger felt, rather inner peace that ive finally managed to find within myself. i.. can look at a picture without crying, hear songs on the radio and not have every single one remind.. me of you. i sleeP without interruPtion, cigarettes are no longer my destruktion, and i.. can care less who your fucckin. sweet memories that put smiles on my face, when i have no desire to wear one,and when i think of hanging on, i have no problem reminding myself we're done. review session, new lesson, whatever last night was classified as.. i thank you for finally helPing me get over my Past,letting me exPlain why i showed my ass and for removing the weight that had been Pressing me down that i couldnt grasP. with that, these sweet memories flow freely, effortlessly, and i.. can love you without wanting you or needing you. walk around without seeing you.. in everything i take in.. I can be my own friend, this sobriety has helPed me walk again, with my head held high and my heels taking in long strides. im alive, even though i thought that without you i'd die. baby, im STILL alive, and im on a journey to find.. me. " i had to set you free. away from me. to see klearly, the way that love could be when you are not with me. i had to leave, i had to live, i had to lead, i had to live" spread your wings baby i encourage it. the right person will come along when its meant to be, and all the while i'll continue to hang on to these sweet memories.

--started 09.01.09 . finished 09.06.09

song excerpts. at the moment. can you feel it?

2009-08-26T12:10:00.000-07:00

" i wish i could rip out a page of my memory.
coz i put too much energy in him and me.
Kant wait til i get through this phase coz it's killing me.
too bad we can't re-write our own history ...

now i kan feel a change in me
and i can't afford to slip much further
from the person i was meant to be
i'm not afraid to walk alone. not give it up but moving on "
--keri hilson

" feels like we've been apart for some light years.
crater in my heart filled with my tears
stars align, i'll be your girl again...

you're the reason i don't change my number
don't you know it's still the same
and i bet you remember that summer
when we kicked it everyday
Don't know how it happened, just happened
kinda like we faded away
and i feel so alienated, don't you feel so alienated?

i miss you and i want you back
i lost your signal, where you at?
and i don't know how we lost contact
where did you go? i'm searching for you "
--Keri Hilson

"i've been dealing with a lot, so i've been losing my mind
straight up acting before i think, barely using my mind
my freedom is on the line, and my sanity's gone
you picked a fine time to leave me, now this house ain't a home
i had no problem being faithful, i loved you so much i hate you
because you left me, when i needed you the most
so now a bitch, is how i rate you "
--Z-RO

" truth be told i miss you. truth be told i'm lying

when you see my face, i hope it gives you hell, i hope it gives you hell
when you walk my way, i hope it gives you hell, i hope it gives you hell
if you find a man that's worth the damn and treats you well
then he's a fool you're just as well, hope it gives you hell
now you'll never see what you've done to me
you can take back your memories they're no good to me
and here's all your lies if you look me in the eyes
with the sad, sad look that you wear so well "
--All American RejeKts

Withdrawal.

2009-08-19T22:33:00.000-07:00

..I have this tic
no, not a biting tick
a Tourette's type tic.
The kind of uncomfortable verbal-vomit thing that has me
spewing my Heart&Soul.
but what's unique about this tic
is that I only have it
when I'm with you.
Like a feinin bitch
i scratch at the Infestation of Lies&Deceit
crawling under my skin
eating its way through my vital organs
strangling me from the inside out
squeezed like that last bit of toothpaste.
my words,
my blood,
pours from my mouth
and i fetter before you
my Life's|Elixir cascades
rains in puddle at your feet.
you watch, uncomfortably, holding my hair
as I, [let it all out, that's it baby, just let it all out]
and I do
not carin that I have
once again
allowed myself (in some way)
to lose control
of myself
when I'm with you
the same shit happens
this same shit happens
and where are you?
right there
holding my hair
[there you go, baby...it's ok...I'm here...let it all out]
ugh!
fuck you!
22 catch that.
but practice makes Perfect
and that
I am.
but no one is Perfect
so that
I am
not.
i gather myself headlong
with the strength i have left
from ramming headfirst into a brick wall until I have blacked out
and drag myself out of my stupor
of you
and I peel down the road
my urges subsided
my tic's thirst
barely quenched
but this fix'll do
until next time
when I'm with you.

my life -- ben falealili

2009-08-17T22:12:00.000-07:00

" there i was .. lying there resting mah head on your chest.. listening to the rhythm and the beat of mah life. boom-boom,boom-boom, boom-boom.that sweet repetitive melody that is the.. reason for mah fidelity. and not to mention.. the only remedy for all the pain that i experienced through time i.. kant wait til' we get married coz she'll be the last image i see every night. and.. i'll be the first thing she sees in the morning when she.. opens up her eyes and that is a metaphor for the sunrise coz its not the sun it is her.. who makes the birds sing and the flowers bloom the trees would die without her, and i would too so.. there i was .. lying there resting mah head on her chest.. listening to the rhythm and the beat of mah life. yes mah life.. and although that's her heart that's mah wife. maybe not now but she will be in the future so i wanna make sure that you get that right. coz i knew from the get-go that i would never let go of a love so special as this one, not that one, but this one.. and if mah life were a book she'd definitely be mah favorite chapter i.. i wouldnt give a damn about the pages that come before or after and.. and yes i used that line in one of mah songs before so.. im sorry for recycling my rhymes like aluminum kans but that line was so true i felt like i had to say it again and.. it may seem cliche, but she is that sun that brightens up mah day.. she is that sun that shines on the moon that guides me through the dark at night. she's those squiggly marks on the skreen at the hospital that says im still alive and.. if she ever left me i would die. then those squiggly lines would turn into a.. solid line and.. then you'd have to arrest her for involuntary manslaughter. but that's not gone happen coz we gone get married and she's gonna voluntarily give mah moms a granddaughter.. so i feel i might as well just stop reciting this poem now and start writing mah vows coz i feel like im married at 18 and honestly that's okay with me as long as she is the bride to be.. and i know damn well we aint getting no divorce because losing her is like a porsche i.. kant afford it. i'd choose her life over mine any day coz she's way more important.. and this gyrl.. this gyrl knows me better than anybody else.. hell, she probably knows the back of mah hand better than i do myself and i pray to god everyday that this aint a dream but if it is.. give me a pillow and blanket coz im going back to sleep so i kan dream about her.. coz even if i wanted to, i kouldnt stop myself from thinking about her.

*but it was just mah imagination, once again, running away with.. running away with me*..

and it might as well have all been a dream coz its no longer reality you see its.. not that she's not the one for me but im not the one for her.. who kan provide her with all her wants and needs coz she wants someone whose more "good with words"and.. i kan stand in front of a bunch of strangers and make great konversation but when its just us two we seem to argue.. tempers flare and we engage in konfrontation.. plain and simple she said i'm not the man she fell in love with in the beginning and.. quite frankly this is a lose-lose situation coz neither one of us are winning but.. it was she who kast the first stone when she let this Mr. into the pikture.. said im so klose to her heart but she allowed him to kiss her.. and whats whack is this aint even the first time she was put in this situation.. see i didn't know about it but before i went to visit her in conneticut, homeboy went in for the kiss but she turned her face and gave him her cheek.. and i didnt know about this because she didnt feel it was a big deal or the need that she had to tell me.. but after i went to visit her on the east coast and spent one of thee most amazing weekends of mah life with her.. the day after i left.. homeboy goes in for the kiss makes sure he didn't miss and i guess our love was just too weak coz she just kouldn't resist and she let those lips touch.. yeaa she let those lips touch and i love her so much but i guess this distance is just too much for her to handle.. but i didnt cheat on you she says like.. that's supposed to ease the pain it.. doesnt matter you kissed another dude those lips were for me and only me so its gonna hurt just the same.. but i'll defend her because technically, technically she didnt cheat.. coz after a year and a half this distance was kicking our ass so we decided we needed a break. take things slow so we kan work things out but we.. made a promise.. to stay physically, mentally, and emotionally.. faithful. a promise.. and i had no problem keeping up with mah end of the bargain but she, broke that promise and i found out that since she's been in kollege she's been both disloyal and dishonest and i, had to find out all of this.. on mah own. not even from the gyrl whose heart i used to kall home but she realized kissing him was wrong so.. now she wants me back.. so its up to me to dig down deep in mah soul to forgive and forget to put the relationship back on track. but like that track from rkelly mah mind's telling me no and mah body, mah body, mah body's telling me yes but mah heart's jumping up and down saying -- put this shyt to rest. i kant do it anymore.. coz even tho the tables have turned and now the ball is in mah kourt for a change its not me but its her whose knocking at mah door-- i kant answer it. i mean.. i forgive her, but i just kant forget and me not taking her back may lead to me living a life of regret but its just not the same.. so ima leave it up to god coz he's gonna show me the way.. coz i was headed in your direktion but god put me on a detour.. said he has plans to show me a woman who will love and appreciate me more.. more than you ever did.. more than you ever will because after these stunts you pulled behind mah back in mah opinion, you dont give a damn how i feel.. so if i were to ever lay there again with mah head on her chest i would no longer be listening to the rhythm and the beat of mah life.. just be listening to a heartbeat.. that broke mine.

excerpt from: " in & out of time "

2009-08-16T21:19:00.000-07:00

" You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.
I screamed to the heavens....loudly screamed....
Trying to change our nightmares into dreams...
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out
in and out
in and out
of time. "

-maya angelou

HER.

2009-08-13T00:02:00.000-07:00

where i go wrong:
i worry about other people alot -- tyPikally more than myself
i'm emotionally high maintenance
i need alot of attention
i tend to akt without thinking
in the event that im meeting sumone new or sumone of importance-- im shy
i have an attitude-- && a smart ass mouth to go along w. it
i kurse- sumthin' like a potty mouth
i smoke, i drink.

BUT DONT FAULT ME

at this moment in time im searching for sumthin to believe in-
coz for the longest all i believed in was HER.
yet i no longer have.. HER.
lost, searching for direktion in this chaotik environment that Konsumes me daily.
guidance is no longer suPPlied by HER
run away love-- run away with mah heart, no. i dont hear it beating. someone kall 911
no sounds. no resuscitation.. why? because mah heart beats in HER chest.
still beating, but..
she's too far-- long gone. mah arms no longer reach HER. mah love no longer reaches HER
she's outta range. i get no signal . no service
kommunikation is dead. non-existent . i was droPPed off in the wilderness with no lifeline
hanging on to this rope -- made up of memories, laughter, tears, trips, and love
trying to save the ounce of life i have left-- wake-uP its gone
if i let go, i admit-- its gone. not ready to do that.
fairytale, fantasy, -- what haPPened to our world?
the one in which we existed in-- isolation from everything & everyone . you & i . eye to eye
where are you now?
you left our world, started one of your own-- but i, i'm still living in it . daily.
still hanging on to promises you made me-- whether you believe them still or not
" no matter what the people say, i'm gonna love you anyway. you are mah life--i kant let go"
soo.. days.weeks.months.years -- point is. end of the day, i'll still be here.
in your voice "unfortunately"
but i live for it-- would die for it. will kontinue to try for it.
coz n o t h i n g e l s e m a t t e r s .. excePt
HER.

you're the only one

2009-08-12T13:44:00.000-07:00

" i'm going back to the day we parted
&& all the ways you were broken hearted
take a trip everyday in my mind

i see your face i recall it few words
its playing back like a broken record
i remember every tear in your eye

if i knew what i know, i’d walk back in time
i'd right every wrong, Oohh.. i would change every line
then you’d be here right now, just like yesterday
but you'd feel no more doubts, when you hear me say...

you’re the only one i want
you’re the only one i need in my life
you’re the only one i love
you’re the only one i need in my life

i see the world through a haze of memories
&& other girls don’t mean a damn thing to me
it’s kinda sad how they just don’t compare
time will tell, let’s wait and see
if our love we have, was meant to be
coz i know we got a future out there
coz you’re still my girl
i don’t care what they say
let’s go back to our world
baby don’t you throw this love away
coz i still believe
in the magic of us
its just a matter of time
&& it’s a matter of trust

now girl it took sometime to get real with myself
now love ain't easy sometimes
but if you find it we’ll stay together "

you oughta know

2009-08-12T13:40:00.000-07:00

" it was a slaP in the face how quicKly i was rePlaced
are you thinKing of me when you fuccK her? ...

coz the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
2 maKe it enough for you to B oPen wide, No
&& every time you speak HER name
does she know how you told me you'd hold me
until you DIED, 'til you DIED... but you're still alive...

coz the joKe that you laid on the bed that was ME
&& im NOT gonna fade
as soon as you close your eyes && you Know it
&& every time i sKratch mah nails down someone ELSE'S baccK
i hoPe you feel it ... well. Kan you feel it? "

cumWITHme--H.K.A.D

2009-08-10T09:00:00.001-07:00

" Night time is the hardest time. I can still smell you all up in my covers & the wounds from earlier worsen with every remaining thought of how they were received. I miss you, like kids miss home the first night of camp, like the earth misses the ozone layer and waking up, isn't easy without you. I roll over expecting to see your beautiful face, so i can continue counting where i left off-- the number of freckles on your right cheek-- then reality sets in & you're gone. This hollow feeling forms in my stomach and nausea sets in. tears begin to cloud my vision. id give anything and everything to have you again. have one more try. i know we have so many issues and conflicting views but-- trust that i love you more than the yesterday today and tomorrow... communication between us is that of rival gang members; full of anger and hate. how can you be so angry when all i'm trying to do is express just how much i love you. you're mad that i'm mad that you're with her. she's laying in my spot, listening to a heart that i thought beat for me. they say time eases the pain of a broken heart... but without you i have no heart. you took it with you the day you left. the day i begged. the day i wish i could forget. yesterday i made love to you. not only sexually but mentally. i know your body; like i know my own. i know what makes your eyes roll back, & i know where to kiss to make ya leg shake. you moaned; cum with me.. and i came."

-- not an original; but i feel this KaPtures every emotion, thought, & feeling in mah body.

:[

2009-08-09T15:42:00.000-07:00

"after you've lost everything--you're free to do anything"

hangover madness

2009-08-09T12:24:00.000-07:00

this is just a lose-lose situation
... and there's no way out.
one minute im hated & im the bytch she wants nuthing to do with
&& the next, im getting Kussed out for sum shyt that i've done
that she feels has Krossed or disresPeKted her.
soooo Konfused... shyt liKe this KeePs mah head fuccKed uP
day in && day out... its this Kontrol she has
it taKes nuthing for her to breaK me down to the lowest of the low
... and the Kalls Kum at the most random times... in the KniccK of time
just when i thinK im doing fine
yet, she manages to tell me different by the way i reaKt when she says different shyt
... at this moment in time -- im definitely feeling liKe shyt. siccK.
LOVE is not suPPosed to B liKe this.
smh.
maybe if i just turn deaf ears to everything i'll B fine.
stoP believing all the Positive shyt she says--
and sticcK to believing all the negative shyt that i've heard direKtly from her mouth
then maybe.. quite Possibly... i'd B able to shaKe this Power she has over me
&& limit the Kontrol she has over me && mah emotions to little or none.
same shyt. different day
sigh. FML .
how the fuccK did i end uP in a situation liKe this?

Kan we...

2009-08-07T13:51:00.000-07:00

" Kan i taKe baccK the memories.tuccK them away for the possibility.that someday you might PiccK uP the Phone and Kall.wishful thinKing, Kould it be i've lost my mind? trying not to thinK of you is liKe a battle.i tell mah heart that there's no more you but it doesn't matter.
*coz sumthin' got me hangin on to nuthin.i trust in love to bring you baccK to sanity*

-- i guess i just dont understand all of this. at the end of the day i should really HATE her. but i dont. i learn sumthing new literally everyday that KontradiKts everything i thought our relationship stood for, but yet i still love her the same. In mah eyes, regardless of the shyt i Kontinue to hear she's still PERFEKT. She's still the one & only female that i want in mah life. and that in itself maKes all the tears Kried and lonely nights worth it. PathetiK right? sigh. aaand, to maKe this entire situation that much worse... if she were to Kum baccK today, tomorrow, sum months from now, or even years... i'd let her baccK in without a seKond thought, with oPen arms. she's just that ONE.
grrrr.... im soo uPset w. mahself. i should be over this and i should be able to just let her go. but i fuccKin' Kant. fucccckkkkkk!
WTH did you do to me dude?

imPrisoned.

2009-08-06T23:26:00.000-07:00

" how do i hide mah sKars
im drowning from the Pain
i wish i Kould esKaPe
but there's no way out
your lies are engraved in mah heart
now i'll never be the same
&& im border line insane
coz there's no such thing as accePting we're done
mah brain is unhinged. im officially gone
im being held without bail
mah head is mah Prison cell
finally got a taste of emotional hell

always had a different vision
from the sentence i was given
never thought i'd be imprisoned
why you do me like that
mah Kommon sense has left the Planet
it's impossible to grab it
if im not freed from this straight jaccKet
tell me why'd you go && do me liKe that

after all the PurPle hearts
im losing this war
ive fallen to the floor (i surrender)
&& im only halfway through
now it's me vs. mahself
im overdue for helP "
-T.K

playlist of mah life right now.

2009-08-06T14:08:00.000-07:00

flaws&all-beyonce
beautiful liar-beyonce
resentment-beyonce
broken-hearted girl-beyonce
sKared of lonely-beyonce

imprisoned-tynisha keli
defeated-tynisha keli
stay-tynisha keli
Kan we-tynisha keli
Kant turn baccK-tynisha keli
I told ya-tynisha keli
baccK on love-tynisha keli

i remember-keyshia cole
losing you-keyshi cole
gotta get mah heart baccK-keyshia cole
was is it worth it-keyshia cole
i shoulda let you go-keyshia cole

emotion-destiny's child
if-destiny's child

hatin' love-trey songz
all the ifs-trey songz
still hurt-trey songz
infidelity-trey songz
yo' side of the bed-trey songz

so gone-monica
before you walk outta mah life-monica
why her?-monica

way that i love you-ashanti
who am i to say-hope
dreaming with a broKen heart-john mayer
why R u-amerie
i know-JayZ
all the things she said-TATU
mo' better-raheem devaughn
rearview-bobby valentino
did you wrong-Pleasure P
never-amanda perez
the one that got away-johnta austin
tell me-Pitbull
the stupid things-robin thicke
say goodbye-chris brown
smoking cigarettes-tweet

everything is everything-lauryn hill
ex factor-lauryn hill
nuthing even matters-lauryn hill
sweetest thing-lauryn hill

the one you need-megan rochelle
betcha-megan rochelle

Kant wait to hate you- the Dream
Mr.Yeah-the Dream
Right Side of Your Brain-The Dream

something you forgot-lil' wayne
lets talk it over-lil' wayne
i feel like dying-lil' wayne
self-destruKtion-lil' wayne

sooner than later-drake
teach u a lesson-drake
come real-drake
best i ever had(remix)-drake feat. nikki minaj

... among others. but thats the bulk of it. emo much?

god don't like ugly.

2009-08-04T13:48:00.001-07:00

hoPe says it best
"who am i to say you love me... who am i to say you need me. i dont Know anything at all ". Silly of me to thinK we'd never fall. you'd always be around liKe you Promised. and that Konversations of our shared dreams and our haPPily ever after would KeeP us standing tall.
yeaaa right.
i'm PRETTY sure i sleeP alone at night. taKe nyquil doses to ease mah mind and helP me sleeP right. struggle day in and day out trying to stoP this internal fight. this Konstant battle of mah heart, soul, and mind.. and when the more Powerful of the two team uP. the soul and heart that is. sanity is no longer mine. rewinding time, plaguing mah mental with images and memories that are Kind from a time when days were haPPier in mah life.
Kan i just forget the shyt?
remember she's moved on, she's fuccKing with another bytch. laid uP and shyt. sPending every ounce of free time, mah nigguh she's even taKing triPs. remember this.! she's been quit. she tooK the easy way out, when shyt got rough and went south.
so why the fuccK is that road so hard for you to taKe ?
why is it that you Kant seem to shaKe, a heartless ass female who has made you Kry every night for damn near three months straight. you breaK uP, that night the bytch is going on a date. get it the fuccK together nae.! yet, i still find mahself feening for her touch, her beauty, her laughter, and the Kisses that blew me away at the most random times. she's still in mah head, mah thoughts, and dreams real late at night. and even tho i've tried to do me, it doesnt feel right. i dont want no one else by mah side. she's the sole objeKt in mah line of sight.
why?
every Part of me still loves and is devoted to you. have yet to move on, simPly because i dont want to. even if it is what i need to do. i just dont see me living a life w.out you. i find mahself waiting Patiently, hoPing this is just a Phase. when in reality,i Know that im wasting days. nothing's gonna change, and at the end of the day we'll never be the same. wasting hours i Kant get baccK, while your sitting there smiling, Kontent w. the faKt that you've managed without much effort to Put mah whole world out of whaccK, get me out of mah element, fuccK me all uP in the head. doing shyt out of mah charaKter i've never did. i'm tired of breaKing down and Krying into mah monKey when i should be smiling instead.! now, we're on a new level.. you hate me right? that's fine . but never lose sight of what it was i willing to be for you. and at the end of the day me hating you, wont haPPen . its not a word i use and i'd never use it to desKribe you.
sickening as this may be
your still mah heart, mah everything, mah baby, the only KING in mah life. and although i feel as if you Played me, i Kant let go.you made false Promises and then droPPed me from Kloud nine without warning, so... i guess the joKe is on me. and unfortunately, a fool i'll Kontinue to be. but remember this the next time you decide you wanna hurt me, PurPosely...
your Karma's gonna Kum baccK times three. LOL.! and when it does just thinK of D.
oh and bytch dont forget to smile & say cheese.!

2009-08-04T00:30:00.000-07:00

" a lie Kan make you happy, the truth Kan make you frown. the truth Kan Put you Past me, but a lie turns you around. my lies say you Kan have me, the truth is i'm not found, lies are only sounds: " believe none of what you hear & all of what you feel " ... if a lie has ever made you cry than the truth is... it was real. "

inadvertently

2009-08-02T18:37:00.000-07:00

i feel that subconsciously i'm Psyching mahself out.
since SHE is the only stud that i want to be with... i find mahself only giving fems the time of day
studs holla.. NO GO.! a nigguh holla.. HELL TO THE NO..
but if a fem looK mah way .. she'll get a smile or even a lil' Konversation
Only because i know for a faKt, i'd never get involved in a serious relationshiP with a fem
its likee, in a way im doing me.. but still holding out for HER.
smh.
real shyt.. i Know i wont be in a relationshiP for a loooong time.
two long-term relationshiPs baccK 2 baccK that both ended fuccKed uP is enough for me.
sumthin' liKe sKarred all over again.. wall is right baccK uP.. *heartless*
reaallly on sum FAB shyt.
word.

.

2009-08-01T23:45:00.000-07:00

" ispenteveryminuteofeveryhourlovingyou.
&youspenteveryhourofeverydaypushingmeaway.. "

--not to mention:
everydayofthePastthreemonthslettinggo

truth.

2009-08-01T18:48:00.000-07:00

"Love... We think about it, sing about it, dream about it, lose sleep worrying about it. When we don't have it we search for it. When we discover it, we don't know what to do with it. When we have it we fear losing it. It is the constant source of pleasure and pain, but we can't predict which it will be from one moment to the next. It is a short word, easy to spell, dificult to define, but most importantly..... Impossible to live without!"

--truth to the quote excePt in one asPeKt... im no longer searching for love.

insight.

2009-08-01T02:17:00.000-07:00

it seems as if im holding on to this roPe that is attached to a 10ft wall. you Know the Kind that you attemPt to Klimb at a military obstacle Kourse... only w. this roPe no matter how many times i try to Klimb i just Kant seem to get over the wall.. && there definitely is no one on the other side Pulling and helPing.. so then i have to asK mahself... what is it that im truly holding on to? .. feelin a lil better 2day

familiar

2009-07-31T17:49:00.000-07:00

Kontemplating ... whether or not this unknown realm is real.. i look around.. nothing is familiar.. your voice.. brand new... your words... foreign ... your attitude... premature... yet still i search for what i thought i had Kompletely grasped.. mislead by false pretenses & understatements... naive guidance told me lies... im lost... waiting... wanting you to return to me... Kraving what i had so recently... binded by my love & loyalty for you... frustrating.. but i Kan't... wait... won't... let you go... call me a fiend.addict.abuser... you get me high... i want you baccK. no lets be real... i need you baccK.
the stranger i talK to brings no happiness.. tears,revelations... an everyday thing for me..
but my newfound aint as PRETTY as the old... the Knowledge aint as profound as the b a s i c s...
i want my familiar.

YOU

2009-07-28T11:04:00.000-07:00

YOU were the sunshine in mah darKest times. the smile that made me melt when suPPlied. the voice that helPed me sleeP at night.the Pivotal Point in the rotation of mah life. and yet, your no longer by mah side. you were mah motivation when i wanted to quit. mah NIGGUH when we talKed about random and dumb shyt. a straight nymPho when you wanted to hit, and you Know i stayed down with it. mah King from the start. treated you liKe such. held you on the highest pedastal and entrusted in you the most valuable thing i had to offer, mah heart. you accePted it with oPen hands. beKame this better wo[man], believed in me.. you were mah number one fan. we were on sum shyt to where we were even maKing Plans. maan, there was even a ring on mah hand. but beKause of stuPid choices all that shyt hit the fan.Now, im living in an aPartment that was suPPosed to be OUR home. i Klimb into bed at night alone. and truth from trey songz when he says "our bed, our sheets, our pillows get LONELY...on YOUR side of the bed " and this situation has managed to have me all fuccKed uP in the head. and sadly, i no longer find Komfort Kurling uP with mah monKey and laying where your head should be. i'd rather have you laying next to me. but now that its gone i'll Kontinue to dream and hang on to the sweet memories and material things, minus the ring. but still know, at the end of the day your still EVERYTHING to me.and when i say i hate you or Kant stand you.. its jealousy sPeaking. your the KomPliment to mah whole, the missing Piece of mah soul. the one i Kouldnt wait to grow old with. your still mah King, mah suPerman. mah monkey and undoubtedly the best woman to walK into mah life which is more than most Kan understand. ILOVEYOU beyond KomPrehension, this you must Know, you are the reason mah heart beats slow. a rhythm designed to KeeP you and me in tow. your mah idea of PerfeKtion, still mah haPPily ever after. and i still wanna be with YOU and share the joy of our Kids laughter. heartbroKen in a sense. there are just so many aspeKts of you, that daily i miss. but fuccKin' uP always has a Konsequence. i just hate that losing YOU had to be aPart of it.

2 mos...

2009-07-15T01:32:00.000-07:00

its been exaKtly 2 months to the day.. two months of the uPs and downs that sccomPany the heartbreaK of a NONCONSENUAL break uP.. two months of the tears and i love you's that jerK me bacck and forth liKe im the flag in the middle of a game of tug-o-war. . two long months that any normal Person would have used to accePt the truth and start over. -- so does that maKe me a martian? am i .. that different beKause your STILL the first Person on mah mind when i waKe uP and the last thought on mah mind, that triggers the insomnia that keePs me uP at night. PathetiK right? I've been told that when you love its alright to let someone into your heart but once you let them fuccK with your mind, you begin to lose sight.. of what it is that matters to you. and you- hold on to what you believe are self-evident truths. and i.. wont let mahself reach the Point to where i hate you.. but i wont hide the faKt that i HATE that hearing your name still gives me butterflies or maKes mah heart beat faster liKe im on the most frightening rollerKoaster ride. and i HATE the faKt that the sound of your voice still maKes me all warm inside or that your ringtone brings an instant smile and a twinKle to mah eye- and even though you dont Kall, i Play your ringtone before i attemPt to sleeP at night. i HATE the way i rush 2 mah Phone every time it beePs from a text message hoPing its you and instead i settle for the disaPPointment when your name is NOT the one i see on mah sKreen.i DESPISE the faKt that no matter how many times i've been told, i Kant find it in mahself to let you go. its almost Kowardly, this i Know. but you've developed roots deeP down in mah soul.. oh how i love you so. --but i HATE the way that regardless of the number of times ive taKen this ring off and Placed it baccK in its box the tan line on mah finger Kalls it baccK to what i believe is its rightful Place. or how, no matter how many times i PaccK away the numerous gifts they always seem to be staring me right baccK in mah face. and worst of all, i HATE feeling liKe while im at this standstill you've managed to Push me aside, and move on with your life. sigh. i dont Know WHY i Kant seem to let you go. i Kan.. blame it on the fear of being alone, or bring it baccK to that faKt that i feel you in mah soul, but more so.. I've reached that lose-lose krossroad. thinKing about you, i have no choice but to admit your the BEST i ever had, not sumone i want to leave in mah Past but rather sumone i want by mah side for everlast-ing haPPiness. but yet as i sit here and stare, i have to admit that although no one else Kan KomPare.. when it Kums to US, only ONE of us still Kares. it just doesnt seem right. I've reached that aKward stage. you Know when everybody and their fuccKin mama is telling me to do me and move on, and sadly.. even you've went along. Yet still i hate listening to the radio, coz every traccK is easily one that used to be our song. and it reminds me of what used to be, and i refuse to see .. what every one else believes is so obvious. but i'll have to deal w. the hand i've dealt. maKe a choice between Kontinuing to love YOU or beginning to love mahself. your ride or die to the end, the way i was with you i'll never be again. and you Know i'd droP everything even if you only needed a friend. or if you ever needed mah helP. and if ever you felt that being with me was where you needed to be, you'd always be welKomed with oPen arms. mah doors always oPen with no alarms. no harm. just.. LOVE. the irrePlaceable kind. the one that stays around regardless of the length of time it taKes for you to realize you'll ALWAYS be MINE. and although mah mind is Pulling me in one direKtion mah heart is winning me out. and although i HATE the Kontrol you have over me. ILOVEYOU strongly without any doubt. and even with me letting all this truth esKaPe from mah mouth, im lost. would you believe i still Kant figure this mind game out.?

dreams vs. reality

2009-06-30T16:40:00.000-07:00

see,
i've always been a dreamer, but as of late..
mah.. dreams have turned into nightmares, mah smiles are now blanK stares and
memories have Kongested mah mind so heavily that logiK no longer Plays a Part in mah thought Processes.
i'm being chased daily by a bytch named reality that doesnt want to let uP no matter how many times i Push her away
and i've realized trying to hang on to these dreams are MUCH harder than it seems
esPecially when i am the only one who believes.. and as i Proceed, moving forward with mah life,
i'm hanging on to the hoPe and KoncePts that were once shared by two, now minus you..
i'm fighting a war alone.
sinKing in mah loneliness i Kant seem to figure out one reason why.. i Kant have bacck mah life
or why there is no get right.. and its fuccKing with me..
the lines between mah dreams and reality are beKuming blurry
and as much as i try to ducK and hide from the Pain that's in sight.. with each Passing day
reality is taKing over.. and i Kant be a soldier if mah heart grows Kolder.. and as memories grow older.. im trying to stay KonneKted with the beat that is mah heart.
Knowing it has mah best interest inside.. and even after all this time, your still on mah mind..
and mah heart beats to a rhythm i designed-- 396 days ago.
ceasing to quit, i've dealt with this subversive ass shyt.. not because i have to. obligation is not Present in this agonizing situation.
but because im hanging on to shared dreams solo.. and i believe too strongly to let go so,
as long as mah heart kontinues to beat faster to the sound of four syllables..
and mah body still shaKes at the touch and in the Presence of something so beautiful..
and mah mind drifts day in and day out to thoughts of true haPPiness thats mah Kue to go..
and say, a loud fuccK you to reality.. and hang on to what i believe from head to toe has Power to succeed.. coz see, mah dreams mean alot more to me than anything.. that next Person Kan say or the oPinion that they gave or the insight they have about how i Karry on throughout mah day
because NOBODY lives mah life but me, and it unfortunately tooK Pain to see..
the truth in this situation. and im thanKful for the blessing and until i get it baccK
i'll be holding on to each and every material Possession..
that ties me Kloser to the beat that's KomPatible with mine.. to the voice that melts mah inside.. steady on mah mind.. and to the life that Kan only get better in time.
coz see,
i've always been a dreamer. and i wont let a mistaKe Put me in denial
and mah blanK stares will turn baccK into smiles. and new memories will void out the old
and i'll have the chance to show the new D.
the one that has grown to Know the difference between being a woman and a girl
maKing someone a Priority and maKing them your world.
But until then, i'll keeP running from reality. until mah feet Kan no longer move..
and hang on to these dreams coz in doing so, i just dont see how i Kan lose.

waKe-uP

2009-05-21T16:00:00.000-07:00

at the end of every breakdown
comes an awakening
and NO.. im not talKing about the waKe uP you get from the beeP beeP of an alarm cloccK
or from the sun.. annoyingly shining in your face
i'm referring to the growth you exPerience
in the absence of the one you love most
that slaP in the face that arrogantly says..
you've fuccKed uP now
and at the first the emPty KonKave that existed where mah heart used to be
Kaused me to develop this.. temPorary insanity
but in the midst of the hyPerventilation and PsychotiK tantrums I..
tasted the salty tears that were aPPearing on mah liPs at lightsPeed and had to thinK
wait.. this isn't all about me. at the end of the day it has always been we
and SHE is the one who was hurt the most.
the one who was dealt the shyt end of the sticcK as a result of a Pissy attitude
that tooK for granted what was there all along and was never going anywhere
and in the light of this recognition the tears stoPPed.. mah breathing slowed..
and i realized that in order to fix the damage, as a woman no longer hers i had to show..
her exaKtly what she meant to me. aPologize for the outbreaK of inseKurities
and assure her that at the end of the day, this "waKe-uP" was truly a lesson learned
that although its only been days.. in mah heart it felt liKe a year.
and in that short time, i exPerienced mah biggest fear-- living without YOU.
and i realized, i never Knew love Kould hurt this bad, or that
there's no room for selfishness when your growing in a relationshiP with a woman who saved you from your Past.
you begin to see everything you once had Kontrol over sliP from your grasP and you
"waKe-uP" acKnowledge the mistake and worK towards Patching uP the unruly holes that have formed in your fairytale, you..
"wake-uP" and aPPreciate what it is that has given you joy for 365 days Plus more, you..
"wake-uP" and sePerate yourself from the bullshyt that has Plagued your mind and tore..
you away from the one and only thing that matters most in your world.
a hard reality to face, and i'm beginning to redeem mahself from being in last Place,
during this race baccK to your heart.
a wise woman once told me that things go wrong so you Kan aPPreciate them when they're right
but im a strong believer in love being worth the fight
and at the end of the day.. once all emotions and feelings have been Put on disPlay.. i hear Kan hear mahself say..
"waKe-uP"

2009-04-26T17:34:00.000-07:00

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

- Captain Corelli's Mandolin. "Love is the beauty of the soul." --St. Augustine

:]

2009-04-16T17:35:00.000-07:00

" That's what we do WE FIGHt. You tell me I'm being an arrogant son of a bitch &I tell you when you're being a pain in the ass, which you are 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings, you have like a 2 second rebound rate then your back doing the next pain in the ass thing. I'm saying its not gonna be easy, its gonna be really hard. Were gonna have to work at it EVERYDAY. But I wanna do that cause I want you. I want all of you. YOU&ME together.. Everyday for the rest of my life. "
-- the notebook

perfeKtion

2009-02-23T17:31:00.000-08:00

i've slowly kum 2 the realization that perfektion is artificial .
however .. with that newfound knowledge i've gained the understanding that you are the klosest thing 2 perfektion that will ever walk into my world . you've came into this chaotic environment that is mah life and have attempted 2 help lessen the burden that i have placed upon mah shoulders. encouraged me to be nothing less than who i truly am . assisted me in mah quest 2 reach mah full potential . and you even forgave me not only for my past and mah naive ways that misguided me into the arms of corruption, but for the mistakes I've made in the aspekts of you. from the small to the major things that could have potentially broken this rocck solid bind that we have now . w. you I've built a foundation as thick as cement, and as elastic as glass. konnekted with you so deep that we've built a friendship 2 last . last beyond the curse words, the arguments, the tears, and the upsets. a friendship that has dug its roots into the deepest pockets of our hearts and has created a route that brings us back 2 each other after we let our egos pull us apart and will kontinue 2 do that til' the end of time. forgive me if im katchin' you offguard or if my feelings are a little 2 aggressive, but i need you to see what i see . i kan kontinue 2 tell you that your mah world but your so much more than that. I've kalled you the love of mah life, and although that is truee, it doesn't kapture the truee essence of what you mean 2 me. Soulmate, quite possibly . that's something i don't doubt. and if i was down 2 choosing' my necessities for life, your something i wouldn't live without. my superman. my monkey . my bestfriend . mah hunney. ima quote it and ima say, you are the " perfekt verse over a tight beat " . i'll forever be the pumps 2 your sneaks . fairy tale endings w. you is sumthin no one kan defeat. loving you . dedikatin' mah time and energy means more 2 me than words kan even begin 2 speak

airPort.

2009-01-15T17:38:00.000-08:00

in case you were wondering . . .
the tears that i cry when you leave mean more than just me missing you . the ache that i encounter is deeper than me coming home 2 an empty house . those tears derive from me realizing that a lot of the things i grow accustomed 2 during your extended stays are coming to an end . i won't be going 2 sleep in your arms . w. your feet wrapped around mine . there will be no sporadic kisses placed on my forehead throughout the night . i won't wake up next 2 you or staring in your face at those freckles that i love soo much . there won't be anymore dinners cooked together . no showers together . everything will be solo . no more watching the grinch before we go to sleep . no intervention on mondays . we won't be gettin' blowed [&&] then eatin' fruit snacks [&&] kettle corn . no wrestle matches . no 2k9 . there`s no one 2 come home 2 . [&&] it KILLS me .

2008-12-22T17:37:00.000-08:00

i keep a SMiLE on her face . i can hear it thru the phone . as she playfully calls me dumb . there`s LOVE in her tone . she`s BEAUTiFUL . w. a heart of stone . we`re 1 of those . let`s make-up && stay 2gether love songs . she`s sorry . i`m sorry . now lets RiGHT this wrong . she`s by my side now . this love is STRONG . no need to question a thing . `coz she`s HERE . enough has been seen . we fight . yell && scream . but she returns . my everlastin' dream . couldn`t be more PERFECT . what we have is "REAL" . so the fight is WORTH it . damn . she`s perfect . HUBBY fa`sho . the REASON i hold on . is just so she know . absence doesn`t diminish love . watch our seed grow . nourished by the TEARS that continue to flow . i`m holdin' on . bcoz i can't let go. my SOUL is attached && iLOVE`her SO .

womyn

2008-11-26T17:39:00.000-08:00

I am womyn.
And that may frighten you.
Perhaps fail to notice
The way my raging tirades
Soften
At the utterance of your name.
Forgotten, already, the
Eve
-nings that I lay my head
On your chest /in dreams/
Lips pressed to your
Rib,
Closer
To your heart
Than any other has been.
Then comes
Day break(s us apart.)
Sun burning and eyes flashing, I
Climb back onto my soapbox
Where you claim
You cannot reach me.
Blind
To the manner in which
You take up residence
In the corner of
My eye.
If you only knew that
“The movement”
I occupy
My thoughts with
Is the spring
In your step
And the sway
Of your persona.
That
Revolution
Now means the dizzying circles
In which my head spins
When we "touch"
Rather, Connect.
I am
Wo
my
n
Wo-
ndering how often
I cross your mind, cross
-My-
Heart, I
-N
ever lied when I promised you
That, infinity
I am
(your)
Womyn.

suPerman

2008-08-24T17:46:00.000-07:00

i built up a wall
not to block everyone out
but to see who cared enough to knock it down .
YOU did . came w. sledgehammers and mallets seeing beauty behind a scarred face . never really caring what caused the damage in the first place . your aim was just to fix-it . fix what you could and aide me in my journey to self-recovery . a pretentious project you started that developed depth . bleeding out all pity,sadness, and regret . positivity was all that you left . && i began to think once again i would be on my own except, uncharted emotions began to fill my body in the most non-receptive places . areas that i had ruled out as void . love had filled those spaces . reciprocity in its best form . i was loving and being loved . equally . and you'll never quite understand exactly what that did for me . or how you saved me from what i was beginning to be . unconsciously . and to say im grateful for your patience,love,and energy would be an understatement . there's no way i could even begin to explain . but i can say, superman . . thank you for making me your lois lane

lovingYOU

2008-07-11T17:44:00.000-07:00

like common said "happiness-you could model it"
if you .. give yourself to me entirely
not thinking of past misfortunes .. put your trust all in me
and lets roll ..
ride like there is no tomorrow straight into the sunset .. kissing like we first met anticipating what hasn't been done yet ..
wide open exposing ourselves to one another in the most personal way ..
but we're not getting sexual today ..
how about quality time.stimulating minds.reading the compatibility of our signs and just vibe - ing to the sounds of our words harmonizing with eachother ..
appreciating the title of lovers but valuing our friendship more .. because on that alone we can soar ..
past the stereotypical adversaries forced upon us. ignoring when they say our natural high floats on lust and just smile ..
only because we know that our happiness emerges from within ourselves and is not dependent on eachother ..
but yet .
ive found happiness within you ..
sunshine ..
continue to light up my life .. remain at my side
and i ..
promise to value your trust .. place priority in the concept of us .. and live for my smile .. which i've defined as you !

2008-07-01T17:44:00.000-07:00

i plan on . . .
stroking every inch of your mind.
Focusing on The part
which connects the left and right Lobes;
enhancing all connectivty.
I plan on . . .
Penetrating your heart so heavily,
You'll be satisfied relyin
On the beat of mine.
I plan on . . .
Giving you every bit of me
So that knowin me is like
Loving yourself.
Because we'll be like one.
And then
Finally
it will be acceptable
2 be selfish.